The Last Laugh
New “Battle Royale” system ensures efficiency, transparency in scholarship renewal
The newly constructed arena
© Stuck in Customs/flickr, 2011
GENEVA— Responding to student complaints about inefficiency and opacity, the Graduate Institute scholarship committee has drafted new regulations for students seeking to renew their scholarships. Beginning this year, students seeking renewal will participate in a “Battle Royale” system where no-holds-barred, tooth-and-nail, balls-to-the-wall mass death matches will determine clear winners for financial continuation at the Institute.
“None of us really knew what we were doing before, anyway” explained scholarship officer Ned Lowry in an Acronym interview. “Grades, tax returns, statements of purpose, letters of recommendation—could you sort out the importance of this pile of crap? Neither could we. So we finally said ‘screw it’ and decided it would be much easier if we watched the students maim each other outright to curry our favor.”
All-Against-All Battle
In the new system, the top one hundred students to survive the all-against-all battle will receive full scholarships worth 1800 CHF a month, or “maybe enough after health insurance to cover their injuries.” Another one hundred and fifty students who “seem dead but manage to pull through at the hospital” will receive tuition stipends. Finally, dead students will be automatically disenrolled from the Institute since “they probably would have dropped out anyway.”
To hold the event, a makeshift 250 million CHF grand arena has been constructed behind the library building from funds that were previously earmarked for students from developing countries. The arena uses reflections, sharp angles, and mirror effects to create an uncertain, paranoid atmosphere ripe for deception and backstabbing. If successful, the building will become the centerpiece of the new “Campus de la paix” to impress foreign dignitaries and representatives from other APSIA schools.
Mixed reactions
Student reaction to the announcement of the new system has been mixed. On the one hand, Economics student James Hathaway has praised the new system for its “simple design, clear rules, and merit-based metric of performance.” On the other hand, Political Science student Frederic Fremont has criticized the system for its perceived bias toward MIA and Mdev students. “Some of us have to spend our time taking real classes, you know,” he lamented, “it’s not like we have the luxury to pad our time with judo and hand-to-hand combat.” Nevertheless, History and Politics student Anne Klumpf rejoiced that her program’s “PhD students will finally be put on a level killing field.”
The new system will take effect on May 30th, after the deadlines for all outside scholarships have lapsed.
Acrimonious
“None of us really knew what we were doing before, anyway” explained scholarship officer Ned Lowry in an Acronym interview. “Grades, tax returns, statements of purpose, letters of recommendation—could you sort out the importance of this pile of crap? Neither could we. So we finally said ‘screw it’ and decided it would be much easier if we watched the students maim each other outright to curry our favor.”
All-Against-All Battle
In the new system, the top one hundred students to survive the all-against-all battle will receive full scholarships worth 1800 CHF a month, or “maybe enough after health insurance to cover their injuries.” Another one hundred and fifty students who “seem dead but manage to pull through at the hospital” will receive tuition stipends. Finally, dead students will be automatically disenrolled from the Institute since “they probably would have dropped out anyway.”
To hold the event, a makeshift 250 million CHF grand arena has been constructed behind the library building from funds that were previously earmarked for students from developing countries. The arena uses reflections, sharp angles, and mirror effects to create an uncertain, paranoid atmosphere ripe for deception and backstabbing. If successful, the building will become the centerpiece of the new “Campus de la paix” to impress foreign dignitaries and representatives from other APSIA schools.
Mixed reactions
Student reaction to the announcement of the new system has been mixed. On the one hand, Economics student James Hathaway has praised the new system for its “simple design, clear rules, and merit-based metric of performance.” On the other hand, Political Science student Frederic Fremont has criticized the system for its perceived bias toward MIA and Mdev students. “Some of us have to spend our time taking real classes, you know,” he lamented, “it’s not like we have the luxury to pad our time with judo and hand-to-hand combat.” Nevertheless, History and Politics student Anne Klumpf rejoiced that her program’s “PhD students will finally be put on a level killing field.”
The new system will take effect on May 30th, after the deadlines for all outside scholarships have lapsed.
Acrimonious
Dear [Future Overlord],
I am writing in regards to the [“self-financed” servitude] position with your [random organization]. As someone dedicated to [whatever cause it is you work on], I fully understand the need to [sound self-righteous] and fight for the principles of [your totally obscure cause]. Whether it’s [advocating for fair labor standards or fighting human rights abuses], your organization nobly strives to achieve [things you ironically deny your unpaid interns]. As someone with a lifetime experience in [licking envelopes, putting things in alphabetical order, cutting out nametags, and other things anyone over the age of 8 can reasonably accomplish], I will make a valuable contribution to your organization.
As stewards of fairness and human dignity, I know that your organization understands the vital nature of upholding the principles set forth by the United Nations [though the right to food and adequate housing seem to be ones you’ve overlooked: please see art. 25 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights]. While undertaking my studies at IHEID [a ridiculously long acronym, I know!], I have become well versed in the importance of the [random stuff] your organization hopes to change through your innovative approach [and other fluff you wrote in the job description]. Through my course work, I have explored a number of topics [and other random Wikipedia pages: Did you know that the extinct crocodile Rimasuchus often preyed on large mammals, including early humans?!] during my engaging [“willthis-ever-end!?”] lectures. I believe this knowledge will serve me well as your [indentured servant] and give me valuable experience [that I will eventually contort into a new grandiose entry in my CV].
With increasing globalization and interconnectedness, the world economy has experienced some incredible changes over the past few centuries. From the days of trade and barter to indentured servitude, we’ve progressed in ways that previous generations never thought possible [to land right back where we started: slave labor]. However, now more than ever, we must fight to ensure all people of the dignity they deserve [Hi, I’m irony, have we met?].
Regarding my schedule, I am extremely flexible and can adjust my busy schedule of [Facebook stalking, nursing my hangover, and occasionally showing up to classes] to meet your demands.
Please find attached a copy of my CV [which is totally not exaggerated in any way] for your review [ACTUALLY READ IT, so you don’t make me describe to you everything in it at the interview I hope you give me!] If you should have any questions or wish to set up an interview, please feel free to contact me anytime [just not when Glee is on]. I thank you very much in advance for your consideration [aka skimming this document during one of your many coffee breaks] and look forward to hearing from you soon [like within the week, lazybones].
Most Sincerely,
[Your Future Servant]
I am writing in regards to the [“self-financed” servitude] position with your [random organization]. As someone dedicated to [whatever cause it is you work on], I fully understand the need to [sound self-righteous] and fight for the principles of [your totally obscure cause]. Whether it’s [advocating for fair labor standards or fighting human rights abuses], your organization nobly strives to achieve [things you ironically deny your unpaid interns]. As someone with a lifetime experience in [licking envelopes, putting things in alphabetical order, cutting out nametags, and other things anyone over the age of 8 can reasonably accomplish], I will make a valuable contribution to your organization.
As stewards of fairness and human dignity, I know that your organization understands the vital nature of upholding the principles set forth by the United Nations [though the right to food and adequate housing seem to be ones you’ve overlooked: please see art. 25 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights]. While undertaking my studies at IHEID [a ridiculously long acronym, I know!], I have become well versed in the importance of the [random stuff] your organization hopes to change through your innovative approach [and other fluff you wrote in the job description]. Through my course work, I have explored a number of topics [and other random Wikipedia pages: Did you know that the extinct crocodile Rimasuchus often preyed on large mammals, including early humans?!] during my engaging [“willthis-ever-end!?”] lectures. I believe this knowledge will serve me well as your [indentured servant] and give me valuable experience [that I will eventually contort into a new grandiose entry in my CV].
With increasing globalization and interconnectedness, the world economy has experienced some incredible changes over the past few centuries. From the days of trade and barter to indentured servitude, we’ve progressed in ways that previous generations never thought possible [to land right back where we started: slave labor]. However, now more than ever, we must fight to ensure all people of the dignity they deserve [Hi, I’m irony, have we met?].
Regarding my schedule, I am extremely flexible and can adjust my busy schedule of [Facebook stalking, nursing my hangover, and occasionally showing up to classes] to meet your demands.
Please find attached a copy of my CV [which is totally not exaggerated in any way] for your review [ACTUALLY READ IT, so you don’t make me describe to you everything in it at the interview I hope you give me!] If you should have any questions or wish to set up an interview, please feel free to contact me anytime [just not when Glee is on]. I thank you very much in advance for your consideration [aka skimming this document during one of your many coffee breaks] and look forward to hearing from you soon [like within the week, lazybones].
Most Sincerely,
[Your Future Servant]
Horriscopes - Horrible times ahead
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
This is a good month for you to re-evaluate your goals. World domination is looking harder and harder with all these people suddenly demanding their ‘right’ to be free.
Taurus (Apr 20- May 20)
You will receive a strange e-mail from the Angolan government depicting in meticulous detail the management of their diamond and gold extraction infrastructure.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 21)
Sometimes, life demands sacrifices. This month, you should give up your lifelong hobby of roller-skating naked at the Coop around the corner from the library. Oh yea, we’ve seen you.
Cancer (Jun 22-Jul 22)
Your professor sees through the reflection in your glasses that
you’re on Facebook everyday and that’s why he always picks on you. Time to switch to contact lenses.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug22)
All signs point to you never getting more than a 4.0 at IHEID. Might as well get drunk before class, or even during class. Vodka in a water bottle is a classic.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Uranus rising this week indicates that you might need to spend more time at the strip club and less time at the library.
This is a good month for you to re-evaluate your goals. World domination is looking harder and harder with all these people suddenly demanding their ‘right’ to be free.
Taurus (Apr 20- May 20)
You will receive a strange e-mail from the Angolan government depicting in meticulous detail the management of their diamond and gold extraction infrastructure.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 21)
Sometimes, life demands sacrifices. This month, you should give up your lifelong hobby of roller-skating naked at the Coop around the corner from the library. Oh yea, we’ve seen you.
Cancer (Jun 22-Jul 22)
Your professor sees through the reflection in your glasses that
you’re on Facebook everyday and that’s why he always picks on you. Time to switch to contact lenses.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug22)
All signs point to you never getting more than a 4.0 at IHEID. Might as well get drunk before class, or even during class. Vodka in a water bottle is a classic.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Uranus rising this week indicates that you might need to spend more time at the strip club and less time at the library.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23)
After failing to get a job post-IHEID, you‘ll be invited to join one of Geneva’s many tram ‘bands’. Turns out your knowledge of IR theory is exactly what they needed to complete their ensemble.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)
You’ve spent less time thinking about your future and focusing
rather on cleavages. That is, ethnic cleavages and…their effect on conflict.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You need some change in your life. Try taking a shower before class every morning because, honestly, you stink.
Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)
This month you won’t get that internship you’ve been eyeing for a while. But, don’t worry; you’ll also lose your scholarship and get rejected by that girl / guy you have a crush on.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Your New Year’s resolutions are slowly coming to fruition. Unfortunately, people are starting to see your constant smiling as a telling sign that you are indeed “just a creep.”
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Although you feel alone and misunderstood, there are actually hundreds of people out there mocking you for it.
Anonymous
After failing to get a job post-IHEID, you‘ll be invited to join one of Geneva’s many tram ‘bands’. Turns out your knowledge of IR theory is exactly what they needed to complete their ensemble.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)
You’ve spent less time thinking about your future and focusing
rather on cleavages. That is, ethnic cleavages and…their effect on conflict.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You need some change in your life. Try taking a shower before class every morning because, honestly, you stink.
Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)
This month you won’t get that internship you’ve been eyeing for a while. But, don’t worry; you’ll also lose your scholarship and get rejected by that girl / guy you have a crush on.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Your New Year’s resolutions are slowly coming to fruition. Unfortunately, people are starting to see your constant smiling as a telling sign that you are indeed “just a creep.”
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Although you feel alone and misunderstood, there are actually hundreds of people out there mocking you for it.
Anonymous
If IHEID was an animal, what would it be and why?
Professor Jean-Louis Arcand
Development Studies
"An octopus, because we are multitentacled
and we, therefore, touch
(at least) 8 topics at a single stroke."
Professor Marc Hufty
Development Studies
"A ‘Dahu’, the mythical Alpine beast, half-donkey, half-chamois, characterized by shorter legs on the right side (the right side). It is very fast but can only walk in
circles. From the chamois it inherited grace and subtlety, but also a tendency to have its mind in the clouds. From the donkey it got its feet well on the ground, but also some stubbornness and short-sightedness. Its diet? Easy: canapés and red Bordeau.”
Professor Alessandro Monsutti
Development Studies, History and Politics
“A cassowary, maybe. It is a proud, distinguished,
but slightly skittish animal.”
If IHEID were an animal, what would it be and
why?
Corey Walker, 1st Year,MIA
“A Pomeranian. It’s so
picturesque; I can just
picture old ladies carrying
their tea-cup-sized
dogs everywhere.”
Felix Ohnmacht, 2nd Year, MIS - History and Politics
“An ostrich because it
looks nice, but when
you ask it a difficult
question, it hides its
head in the sand.”
Analee Pepper, 1st Year, MDEV
“A unicorn, because it’s
magical!”
Rainer Gude, 2nd Year, MIA
“An elephant, because
its big and imposing but
can also be petrified by
a mouse.”
Lamia Rhoufrani, 1st Year, MDEV
“A cougar. It’s attractive from afar, but when you
get close, it’ll eat you.”
Raksha Vasudevan, 1st Year, MDEV
“A hamster, because it’s always running hard in its wheel, but is it actually going anywhere?”
Acrimonious
Geneva — As part of a new initiative to entice prospective students to the Institute, student services will provide complimentary cardboard and newspaper in the upcoming edition of its housing booklet. Logements meublés pour jeunes
à Genève, the brightly-colored housing guide included in every acceptance package, will now come wrapped in a used copy of the bus-reader 20 Minutes and contain fold-out cardboard pieces that can construct a rectangular housing unit in any environment.
Rectangular housing unit
Hailing the new initiative as “a testament to Geneva’s high quality of life”, student services representative Christianne Fournier contends that the new materials will “make our international student body feel more at home upon their arrival,” and will “show the Institute caters to the needs of those from countries at all levels of development.”
Director of Admissions Jacques Havre, who coordinated the new initiative with student services, also has praise. “Every year, the Graduate Institute must demonstrate it has the resources to compete with our peers in APSIA,” he said, referring to the association of professional schools of which IHEID is a part. “When you have the likes of Harvard and Yale offering their students only stationary buildings, you know the Institute is at the cutting edge.”
Camping Areas
To help students utilize the new housing materials, the Institute has also updated the contents of the booklet. In addition to the usual array of zero-vacancy foyers, two-hour-away villas and grosslyoverpriced
religious missions, the booklet will now include a series of “camp zones”. The “camp zones”, which the Institute recommends as ideal locations for the new shanties, will include such areas as the Bains de Paquis, the huge dirt mound in Plainpalais, and that-tunnel-by-the library.
So far, student reaction to the new housing initiative has been fairly positive. “You know, when I first got here, I had to use this creepy website where everyone wanted to see my pics and wire them money before I could get a place,” said Jackie Wasselstrom, MIS-Political Science. “Glocals had its perks, but this is really a much better system.”
Diverse reactions
Faculty response to the initiative, however, has been more mixed. While Professor Emanuele Lugiani, International Law, considers the new units “better than the stuff I had to show in my Rights of Refugees class,” Professor Jean-Pierre Aubert, Development, considers the cardboard boxes a disgrace. “Once again, the Institute promotes hegemony by falling prey to a bourgeois conception of housing,” he insisted.
“At least when the multi-million franc Campus de la Paix finishes, we can start to undo some of the brainwashing,” he said with some relief. “When is that thing supposed to be done again?”
--Anonymous
à Genève, the brightly-colored housing guide included in every acceptance package, will now come wrapped in a used copy of the bus-reader 20 Minutes and contain fold-out cardboard pieces that can construct a rectangular housing unit in any environment.
Rectangular housing unit
Hailing the new initiative as “a testament to Geneva’s high quality of life”, student services representative Christianne Fournier contends that the new materials will “make our international student body feel more at home upon their arrival,” and will “show the Institute caters to the needs of those from countries at all levels of development.”
Director of Admissions Jacques Havre, who coordinated the new initiative with student services, also has praise. “Every year, the Graduate Institute must demonstrate it has the resources to compete with our peers in APSIA,” he said, referring to the association of professional schools of which IHEID is a part. “When you have the likes of Harvard and Yale offering their students only stationary buildings, you know the Institute is at the cutting edge.”
Camping Areas
To help students utilize the new housing materials, the Institute has also updated the contents of the booklet. In addition to the usual array of zero-vacancy foyers, two-hour-away villas and grosslyoverpriced
religious missions, the booklet will now include a series of “camp zones”. The “camp zones”, which the Institute recommends as ideal locations for the new shanties, will include such areas as the Bains de Paquis, the huge dirt mound in Plainpalais, and that-tunnel-by-the library.
So far, student reaction to the new housing initiative has been fairly positive. “You know, when I first got here, I had to use this creepy website where everyone wanted to see my pics and wire them money before I could get a place,” said Jackie Wasselstrom, MIS-Political Science. “Glocals had its perks, but this is really a much better system.”
Diverse reactions
Faculty response to the initiative, however, has been more mixed. While Professor Emanuele Lugiani, International Law, considers the new units “better than the stuff I had to show in my Rights of Refugees class,” Professor Jean-Pierre Aubert, Development, considers the cardboard boxes a disgrace. “Once again, the Institute promotes hegemony by falling prey to a bourgeois conception of housing,” he insisted.
“At least when the multi-million franc Campus de la Paix finishes, we can start to undo some of the brainwashing,” he said with some relief. “When is that thing supposed to be done again?”
--Anonymous
